A diagnosis of ADHD or autism in adulthood is rarely just a label. For many people it is the start of a long process of rethinking who they are.
Often the first reaction is relief: so that's why. The missed deadlines, the exhaustion after social events, the sense of always working harder than everyone else suddenly have an explanation. What comes next is less talked about. Grief for the younger self who struggled without support. Anger at the years spent masking. An intense pull toward other neurodivergent people. And, eventually, a quieter question: Now that I know, who do I want to be?
That process has a shape. And some of the most useful language for describing it comes from an unexpected place: decades of research on racial identity development.
Where the idea comes from
In 1971, psychologist William E. Cross Jr. published the nigrescence model, one of the first frameworks describing how Black Americans develop a positive racial identity in a society that often devalues it (Cross, 1971). Cross described a journey from absorbing the dominant culture's views, through an "encounter" that shatters them, into a period of deep immersion in one's own community, and finally toward a secure, integrated identity.
Cross's work became the foundation for a whole family of identity models, including the Racial/Cultural Identity Development model used widely in counselor training (Sue & Sue, 2016). It also inspired identity frameworks for other groups, among them disability communities (Gill, 1997; Forber-Pratt & Zape, 2017).
Over the decades, Cross himself moved away from strict, step-by-step stages (Cross, 1991; Vandiver et al., 2001). His later work treats identity as a set of attitudes people can hold, revisit and combine (Worrell et al., 2023). That flexibility matters when we borrow these ideas for neurodivergent identity.
A disability lens: Gill's four types of integration
One of the most useful bridges between racial identity theory and neurodivergent experience comes from disability psychologist Carol J. Gill. Writing in the context of minority identity development, Gill (1997) described disability identity not as a ladder of stages but as four kinds of integration, each resolving a pull between separation and belonging.
- Coming to feel we belong: integrating into society. This is the claim that you have a rightful place in work, school and community life, as you are, without having to earn it by passing as typical. For a neurodivergent adult, it might sound like: I am allowed to ask for written instructions. Needing them does not make me less capable.
- Coming home: integrating with the community. This is the relief of finding people who share your experience. Many late-diagnosed adults describe their first neurodivergent support group or online community as exactly this: a place where they did not have to explain or translate themselves.
- Coming together: integrating sameness and difference. This is the internal work of holding both truths at once. You are like other people in many ways, and your brain also works differently in ways that matter. Neither cancels the other out.
- Coming out: integrating how you feel with how you present yourself. This is the gradual closing of the gap between who you are inside and who you show the world. For neurodivergent people, it often means making careful, deliberate choices about when to unmask, rather than masking by default.
Gill's framework fits neurodivergent experience especially well because it is not strictly linear. People can be "home" in community while still working on "coming out" at their job. It also emphasizes that identity development is a source of personal empowerment, not just self-acceptance (Gill, 1997).
Later researchers built on this work. Forber-Pratt and Zape (2017) interviewed college students with disabilities and described four statuses, rather than stages: acceptance, relationship, adoption, and engagement. The shift from "stages" to "statuses" mirrors Cross's own later thinking, and it is a helpful way to hold the ideas below.
What the journey can look like
Researchers studying autistic identity have drawn directly on racial and minority identity literature (Botha & Gillespie-Lynch, 2022). Qualitative work with neurodivergent adults diagnosed later in life describes a similar arc: struggles that went unexplained until adulthood, followed by reflection, acceptance and a more authentic sense of self (Chen & Danzak, 2025). Borrowing Cross's language, it might look something like this:
- Before the encounter. You have absorbed the message that the "normal" way of working, socializing and feeling is the right one. Your struggles feel like personal failures. You mask, compensate, and try harder.
- The encounter. A diagnosis, a child's evaluation, or a moment of recognition reframes everything. It can bring relief and grief at the same time.
- Immersion. You dive in: reading everything, finding neurodivergent creators and community, reinterpreting your past. Anger at years of misunderstanding is common here, and it is legitimate.
- Integration. Neurodivergence becomes one part of a fuller identity. You can name your needs without apologizing, keep the strategies that genuinely serve you, and drop the ones that only served other people's comfort.
These phases are not a ladder to climb. People move back and forth, and a new job, relationship or loss can reopen questions you thought were settled (Forber-Pratt & Zape, 2017). That is not regression. It is how identity works.
Where the comparison has limits
Race and neurodivergence are not the same experience, and borrowing a framework is not the same as equating them. One key difference: most people learn their racial identity from childhood, within families who share it. Neurodivergent identity often arrives through a diagnosis, frequently in adulthood, and often within a family that does not share it or name it.
It also matters that many people hold both identities at once, and research on this intersection is growing (Botha & Gillespie-Lynch, 2022). Studies with neurodivergent people of color describe extra layers: cultural stigma that can make an autism or ADHD label harder to accept, neurodiversity spaces that are predominantly white, and masking that serves as protection against racialized consequences, not just social discomfort (Guisadio, 2026). Racism and ableism can each obstruct the integration of these identities (Chen & Danzak, 2025). For these clients, identity work is rarely one path. It is several, happening at once and shaping each other.
What this means for you
If you are newly diagnosed, or newly wondering, it can help to know that the swings between relief, grief, anger and curiosity are a recognizable process, not a sign that something is wrong with how you are handling it.
Therapy can be a place to move through that process deliberately. At Renewed Focus Counseling, we work from an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) framework. That means less focus on fixing who you are, and more on noticing old stories about yourself, making room for the feelings that come with change, and building a life around what you actually value. For many neurodivergent adults, that is exactly the work of integration.
We offer individual therapy, adult ADHD groups and executive functioning support, in person in Mequon and Fitchburg and by telehealth across Wisconsin. If you are somewhere on this journey and would like company along the way, we would be glad to hear from you.
References
- Botha, M., & Gillespie-Lynch, K. (2022). Come as you are: Examining autistic identity development and the neurodiversity movement through an intersectional lens. Human Development, 66(2), 93–112. https://doi.org/10.1159/000524123
- Chen, E., & Danzak, R. L. (2025). "I never matched the mold": Illuminating the neurodivergent Asian American experience through photovoice. Perspectives of the ASHA Special Interest Groups, 10(6), 2160–2176. https://doi.org/10.1044/2025_PERSP-24-00303
- Cross, W. E., Jr. (1971). The Negro-to-Black conversion experience. Black World, 20(9), 13–27.
- Cross, W. E., Jr. (1991). Shades of Black: Diversity in African-American identity. Temple University Press.
- Forber-Pratt, A. J., & Zape, M. P. (2017). Disability identity development model: Voices from the ADA-generation. Disability and Health Journal, 10(2), 350–355. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.dhjo.2016.12.013
- Gill, C. J. (1997). Four types of integration in disability identity development. Journal of Vocational Rehabilitation, 9(1), 39–46. https://doi.org/10.3233/JVR-1997-9106
- Guisadio, G. M. (2026). Cross-domain identity development in BIPOC autistic adults: A grounded theory study [Doctoral dissertation, Antioch University]. https://aura.antioch.edu/etds/1312
- Sue, D. W., & Sue, D. (2016). Counseling the culturally diverse: Theory and practice (7th ed.). Wiley.
- Vandiver, B. J., Fhagen-Smith, P. E., Cokley, K. O., Cross, W. E., Jr., & Worrell, F. C. (2001). Cross's nigrescence model: From theory to scale to theory. Journal of Multicultural Counseling and Development, 29(3), 174–200.
- Worrell, F. C., et al. (2023). Nigrescence theory from 1971 to 2021: The critical contributions of William E. Cross, Jr. American Psychologist, 78(4), 389–400. https://doi.org/10.1037/amp0001052
